This is my first rough draft of this essay. please critique it and thank you for your help!
The most influential person in my life is my mother. She taught me how to keep loving through the good and the bad. My mothers love is unconditional, it is a trait i wish to equip throughout my life. I was about 13 when I found out that my mother loved me unconditionally. The moment I lost my mothers necklace (that my grandmother gave to her) I thought she was going to kill me. I had never seen my mother so mad at me. I began to cry as she was yelling at me;I ran into my room, closed the door, and wept all night. The next day my mom walked into my room and told me she was sorry with the most regretful look on her face. I knew my mother was truly sorry. As we hugged in closure, she started to cry on my shoulder. I told my mom I will do anything to find it, but my mothers response was "That necklace will never amount to how much I love you". I will forever be amazed about my mothers love and care for me.
She is also incredible at getting things done. It does not matter of the situation, my mother always comes through with whatever was needed. She puts others needs before hers and I love that about her. Whenever someone asks for something, she is always the first one to deliver. When I play softball we usually have 2 games a day, during these games somebody always runs out of water. My mother being the caring person she is, offers to go buy them water from a store near by. During are breaks between games she rushes to go get water. When she returns she comes back with water, snacks, and ice for the ice chests. My mother always comes with more than needed just to keep her friends and loved ones happy. I will never understand how big her heart is, but I hope my heart takes after hers. My mother is my best friend. Like all best friends she gives me the best advice. She has always tells me to stop getting mad over the little things, to be more giving, and to strive for greatness. If there is anyone who knows my flaws better than me, it is my mother. She knows exactly how to make my mood change from mad to happy. She is a girls best friend and a perfect mother. Day by day I take into consideration the things my mother has taught me. She is my most influential person, not only because she is a loving mother, but because she is an impeccable woman whose wisdom and selflessness carry throughout her family.
The most influential person in my life is my mother. She taught me how to continue loving through the good and the bad. My mother' s love is unconditional, it is a characteristicIhope to equip [I don't like the word equip here, I don't think it makes sense. Perhaps, try a characteristic that you hope to abide by, or follow, etc] throughout my life. This sentence is repetitive. If the age 13 is important try incorporating it into the sentence before. The moment I lost the (adjective) necklace that had been in my family for generations I thought she was going to kill me Don't know if I like this wording, maybe something like I stopped dead in my tracks, deathly afraid of her rash reaction . I had never seen my mother so mad, I began to cry as she continued to yellat me is implied . I ran into my room, closed the door, and wept all night. Why? Did you feel like you disappointed her? The sentence as it stands isn't very strong because it doesn't provide any reasoning behind it. Yes, you lost her necklace. Yes, she was mad. But had you not experienced this type of reaction before? Provide something so that readers can relate. Without any context, it almost sounds like you're overemotional and that's not what you want The next day my mom walked into my room and told me she was sorry with a look of regret etched upon her face. In that moment I knew my mother was truly sorry and despite any remaining anger/disappointment, her love for me would be eternal . As we hugged in closure, she started to cry on my shoulder. I told my mom I will do anything to find it, but my mothers response was "That necklace will never amount to how much I love you". I will forever be amazed about my mothers love and care for me. I recommend trying to tell the story as it happened. It seems like for the most part what you are doing is telling the story, pause, reflection. Repeat. It might be more effective to tell it as it happened, reflections imbedded throughout. You have an emotional experience for both you and your mother that illustrates how it made your bond stronger. But you don't reveal much emotion throughout, but you should!
You need a linking sentence to combine the two ideas between unconditional love and her efficiency/dependability
She is also incredible at getting things done. It does not matter of the situation, my mother always comes through with whatever was needed. She puts others' needs before herselfWe already know that you love her, so try ending her with an example . Whenever someone asks for something, she is always the first one to deliver. examples?Try rephrasing it like this: Playing multiple softball games on the weekends, it is inevitable that my teammates will run out of water My mother being the compassionate person she is, offers to buy them water from a store nearby . During our breaks between games she rushes to retrieve water. though there is no personal benefit? maybe? When she returns she comes back with water, snacks, and ice for the ice chests. Not necessary My mother always arrives prepared with more than needed in order to keep her friends and loved ones happy. I will never be able to understand how her heart is so enormous/welcoming , but I hope my heart takes after hers I think there might be a better way to phrase this to make it less repetitive but would retain the same idea . This new idea seemed to pop out of nowhere, find a link or try a new paragraph My mother is my best friend. Like all best friends she gives me the best advice. She has always tells me to stop fretting/getting hung up over the little things, to give more , and to strive for greatness. You want to keep the verbs all in the same tense. Stop, give, strive. If there is anyone who knows my flaws better than me, it is my mother. Are you sure you mean flaws? Saying flaws makes it seem really negative. She knows exactly how to brighten/improve my mood She is a girl' s best friend and a perfect mother. Day by day I take into consideration the things my mother has taught me. She is the most influential person to me . Beyond her compassion for myself and others she is an impeccable Not feeling that choice of words woman whose wisdom and selflessness is evident in her daily activities/is an admirable characteristic
You have awesome ideas throughout, with a little editing on passive/active voice and remaining WITHIN the story instead of just an observer, it can be great! It is YOUR story, remember that. Though it is about your mother, you want to make sure that beyond just her actions, you discuss your emotional attachment and what not
I’d like to start off by saying this: The most important person in my life is my mom, but if I have to talk about one of the most influential person in my life, I have to talk about my father.The reason that I choose him is because he is an example of successful person.:
My father is quite person who dedicate all his life studying and achieving all his goals, He is a professional engineer who actually work in a big company in fort Lauderdale . . Since an early age my mom and my father decided that living together was not the best for our family. At first understanding their problem was not easy for me, but thanks to that I was able to get proper knowledge from both. . He doesn’t spent a lot of time with me or with my brother and sister but he was always a good example to me that a person who I want to be.
I remember several years ago I was like 20 or 21, I had a conversation with my father, and in the middle of that conversation there was a phrase that I won’t never forget . . He said “ Whatever you want to be, try to be the best, if you want to be a doctor you have to study a lot but you have to try to be the best one , but beside doctor you work as waiter you have to be the best waiter. These tips inspired me during my life to achieve several goals . One of the most important things that my father has taught me is to be responsible and independent because it will help me when I live on my own.
My father and I live together for about 11 month when I was in Italy, and there I had the opportunity to know him very well, it was a wonderful experience because we were like friends, like brothers and we have fun and enjoyed a lot of time together. . I’m here in Miami because of him, he was really an influential person who convinced me to moved here in the United States and I will always thank for that For me, my father is an example of a successful person, He treated everybody fairly and was a good teacher to the people who asked for his advice
Let me end by saying that I continue to make myself more and more like him daily. I have far to go but the more I do it, the more I understand him Probably he doesn’t know that I’m just talking about him, and I bet that probably he will never know that he was one of the most influential person in my life…